A different mental frame of mind
Hello bloggers and readers,
I haven't updated in a while and I guess that partly comes down to being unwell. I finished a two week voluntary placement in a far away country and was suffering with some bizarre hallucinations when I arrived back in England. Part of this experience included thoughts where I would be hung on a cross for my 'deadly' sins, beaten with a wooden stick, where voodoo was being performed on me and also fear of the doctor's prescribing me medication to kill me.
I experienced 'thought intrusion' and believed my friends were implanting memories and derogoraty thoughts into my mind that were their own thoughts or opinions.
I believed I was covered in dirt and faeces, that I had soiled myself on the plane back home, that I smelt of a decomposing corpse and camera devices had been installed in the family bathroom for the entertainment of the general public.
I've been quite distressed over the past seven weeks and have been trying to piece and rationalise these hallucinations and lucid dreams. I would find myself locked in the bathroom for a considerable amount of time, listening to these voices and begging them to kill me. One voice in particular urged me to make a suicide pact with them, promising me if I jumped, they'd be right there beside me. I've never experienced anything like this before and I certainly don't wish it upon anyone.
What's quite interesting is that when I begin to feel low in mood I turn to books for help. However, my concentration has lapsed and it takes an awful amount of effort to focus on a sentence and follow the storyline through. Clocks have become my worst enemy, reminding me of how much time I'm wasting by zoning out. At the same time, time goes by so slowly - I'm constantly waiting for that time at night where it's sensible to retreat back to my bed. I feel guilty that I lack so much energy, can't hold down a job for fear of being rubbish or even attempt to think of studying.
I haven't updated in a while and I guess that partly comes down to being unwell. I finished a two week voluntary placement in a far away country and was suffering with some bizarre hallucinations when I arrived back in England. Part of this experience included thoughts where I would be hung on a cross for my 'deadly' sins, beaten with a wooden stick, where voodoo was being performed on me and also fear of the doctor's prescribing me medication to kill me.
I experienced 'thought intrusion' and believed my friends were implanting memories and derogoraty thoughts into my mind that were their own thoughts or opinions.
I believed I was covered in dirt and faeces, that I had soiled myself on the plane back home, that I smelt of a decomposing corpse and camera devices had been installed in the family bathroom for the entertainment of the general public.
I've been quite distressed over the past seven weeks and have been trying to piece and rationalise these hallucinations and lucid dreams. I would find myself locked in the bathroom for a considerable amount of time, listening to these voices and begging them to kill me. One voice in particular urged me to make a suicide pact with them, promising me if I jumped, they'd be right there beside me. I've never experienced anything like this before and I certainly don't wish it upon anyone.
What's quite interesting is that when I begin to feel low in mood I turn to books for help. However, my concentration has lapsed and it takes an awful amount of effort to focus on a sentence and follow the storyline through. Clocks have become my worst enemy, reminding me of how much time I'm wasting by zoning out. At the same time, time goes by so slowly - I'm constantly waiting for that time at night where it's sensible to retreat back to my bed. I feel guilty that I lack so much energy, can't hold down a job for fear of being rubbish or even attempt to think of studying.
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